Why Do I Do This To Myself?

(Alternatively titled: Why Am I Such a Big Baby?)

I like the macabre so, having missed out on the Museum of Medieval Torture in Prague, there was no way I was going to skip going to the Museum Tortury here in Cesky Krumlov. Jacob and Vaughn weren't as enthusiastic so they dropped me off and went on to do a little shopping.

The front of the museum is light and bright and the only thing distinguishing it from the front of any other art gallery is the iron maiden standing to the left of the cash register. But after paying the fee you descend down a steep spiral staircase into the windowless bowels of the building. The whole thing is lit just enough to keep you from twisting your ankle and is a maze of interconnected rooms and staircases. I have a pretty strong stomach so the rusty instruments with their accompanying descriptions and woodblock illustrations didn't phase me. But some of my faithful readers will also recall from a certain little incident in the French woods that I also have an overactive imagination honed by years of horror movies. It wasn't long before it hit me I was the only person down in that basement.

In addition to flogs, knuckle screws and chastity belts, the museum also had multiple displays similar to what you might find in a carnival haunted house with dummies that were set up to depict torture scenes. You could see people being burned at the stake, broken on the wheel, wasting away in jails and an odd beach scene that seemed out of place and looked like it might have belonged in Pirates of the Caribbean. Accompanying these little scenes were audio tapes of people moaning and screaming, fires crackling and water dripping.

It took maybe 5 whole minutes for me to go from diligently boning up on some history to expecting a sadistic madman (maybe that "nice little old lady" from reception!) to come around the corner and put me in one of these devices! No one would even hear me scream and I'd be another off-season Cesky Krumlov "incident".

I decided to calmly make my way up the stairs to the exit only to find myself in an entirely separate wing of chambers and displays. Did I even know where the exit was anymore? I don't want to say I bolted up the next flight of stairs but it is fair to say that I did a hasty trot without even looking at the rest of the displays. Even as my heart raced I knew that as I pushed through the turnstile that said "No Re-admittance" that I'd regret having bailed early. You'd think I'd know myself (or reality) a little better at this point.

Note: These pictures are with the flash on people. Until you've spent time in torture museum basement by yourself with creepy dummies you can't judge!

Some Days are Stranger Than Others

I wasn't planning on doing a post until after we'd left Cesky Krumlov but sometimes a situation just calls for it and today was one of those days. We made our way to the tiny little UNESCO world heritage town today and had to park right at the outskirts since the inner core of the town is supposed to be car free (I say "supposed" because I couldn't help but notice the number of cars driving through the streets as we hauled our luggage around). Even though the trip only took two and a half hours, I was a little grumpy upon arrival. I didn't sleep well last night and when we parked I really had to go to the bathroom.

We finally found our hotel and hauled our stuff up to the third floor and were pleasantly surprised to find that the room was larger than we had anticipated. Then Jacob noticed the giant, white fur rug in the middle of the floor. Then we noticed the two giant wild boar "rugs", then the ring of nine fox carcasses strung around one of the banisters, then another smaller pig, a badger, an otter, four brown/black skins of indeterminate origin and something with a tail that I swear was a dog. Oh and a stuffed pheasant. In total, 19 dead animals in one hotel room. It was almost as though a forest had regurgitated. Jacob and Vaughn were horrified and wanted to leave but I convinced them that I could neatly stack everyone but the fox garland into a corner in the room, an activity that unfortunately and inexplicably separated a boar from one of its hooves.

We ended up having to leave the hotel after all because their internet was down and both Jacob and I have job interviews in the next 24 hours. After hauling our bags to four different places we finally found one that, while small, has working internet and was reasonably priced. Thankfully Vaughn hasn't seen The Shining and so he won't be disturbed by the creepy twins picture hanging above his bed.

Unfortunately our new hotel was without a kitchen so we set out in search of some dinner and amazingly, we found a tiny vegetarian restaurant. The place was small, barely heated and a little too cobwebby for comfort but the menu was pretty appetizing and it was a vegetarian restaurant after all. It was really early according to European dining standards but the place was empty and the enthusiasm of the owner (who was also the cook and our server) gave us the impression we might be the only diners that night. He had a friend back in the kitchen who came out and sat down to sip his yerba matte at the table across from us but got up and retreated back into the kitchen about five minutes later never to be seen again.

About three-quarters of the way through the meal our owner/server/cook came out to ask us where we were from. Somehow this led into questions about the U.S. economy, the housing market, California declaring bankruptcy, the election, the state of the Republican party, whether the U.S. would really elect a Mormon, and the federal vs. state funding breakdown for just about every tax-payer funded system you can imagine. Jacob and I were tired and while we were happy to oblige (mostly by making things up), we tried to get off the hook by just periodically interjecting, "You're so right" into the conversation. At this point he had pulled up a chair across from us and started in on the state of the European economy and what it meant for the global market, his voice often rising to shouting levels. At around 45 minutes, he seemed to be slowing down, wistfully looking off into space and wondering what the future held when all of a sudden he reinvigorated himself by saying, "And we haven't even begun to talk about the environment!" Would he ever let us go? He was incredibly smart, like-minded and well-versed but we had long since finished our dahl and just wanted to go move the car so we could return to the hotel.

So that pretty much sums up our first day in Cesky Krumlov. The town looks adorable and I'm looking forward to wandering around tomorrow when I'm well-rested. Plus, like all modern Czech cities I see they have a Museum of Torture.

Dude, where's my Kangoo?

Is there anything creepier than a statue of a pre-pubescent young boy painted in all black except for the genitals, which are painted metallic gold? What if said statue is outside of the world's largest toy museum?

On Sunday we went to visit Prague Castle which holds the Guinness Record as being the world's largest castle and covers an area greater than 7 football fields. On either entrance to the castle grounds are stationed two traditional guards whose sole purpose seems to be to give obnoxious tourists something to pose next to. We wandered around the grounds but only paid to go into the toy museum. We spent a long time looking at various exhibits of dolls and trains and so I am sad to report that the boys were fairly burnt out by the time we got to the glorious third floor dedicated solely to Barbie. I did, however, get this awesome quotation off the Barbie exhibit description which led me to believe that some curator seems to think that Barbie has not only been unfairly maligned but also that she might be an overlooked contender for the Nobel Peace Prize:

Despite her normality and gentleness, despite her artlessness and unpretentiousness, despite her peaceful nature and friendliness - the 29 centimeter-high vinyl doll again and again provokes disputes.

Today we went downtown again to grab lunch, hit the bookstore and wander around. We had the car with us and parking is a real bear in the old district. When we finally found a parking spot Jacob suggested we circle our location on our map; a suggestion I confidently ignored, feeling I could remember the name (later I would curse the Czech street names that seem to all sound the same while also sounding like nothing at all familiar). At 4:30 we started heading back to the car since our meter was up at 5:00 and it was also getting dark already. It became obvious fairly quickly that neither of us remembered where the car was. All we had was a fuzzy recollection of being near a park, a statue of man on a horse somewhere in the vicinity and maybe a street starting with the letter 'o'.

We went to four different parks on the map before Jacob began desperately hitting up strangers on the street to ask if they knew of "a man on a horse". We ran into what I think might be a control tower but it looked like the world's largest hypodermic needle with metal statues of babies climbing up the sides (the pictures don't do it justice). Just as we were about to give up and find an internet cafe (to do what exactly, I have no idea - report the car stolen to Renault and cut our losses?), we stopped a man on the street to ask our cryptic horse statue question. Not only did he stop and say, "How can I help you?", he knew of Prague's two horse statues and which one had parking nearby and he also said he'd drive us there except his car was further than we had to walk. In a simple five minute gesture he turned our whole night around, mostly by being present and genuinely interested in helping us.

Two hours after our search for the car began we found it and amazingly we didn't even have a ticket. Come on Barbie, let's go party.

Praha- Pt. One

How do you drive a nine year old insane? Put a gas powered go-kart in the kitchen of your rental that he can't drive but play German Monopoly with him as a consolation prize. Actually, like many things on this trip, Vaughn was a real sport about the off-limits go-kart.

We arrived in Prague on Tuesday and while we've only seen a little bit, I'm already in love with this city. It is charming and magical and romantic but in a dark and broody way - but it's possible that's just the weather now. We're seeing the city by way of running errands on foot - an English language bookstore, vegan restaurants, and yarn stores. Thus, we haven't really toured many of the sites but we have run into several by accident. Today we walked across the famous Charles Bridge which is lined with statues, buskers and artists selling jewelry and prints. We stopped to listen to the aptly named "Bridge Band" play the jazzy number "Chinatown" with thick Czech accents and bought their CD. We debated briefly on going into the Museum of Medieval Torture Devices but thought better of it at the last minute. And of course, we bought to-go cups of hot, mulled wine from one of the many vendors selling it along the street.

Tomorrow I think we'll get around to touring the famous Czech Castle which, according to Guinness World Records is the largest ancient castle in the world and also happens to be just a short walk from our house. I'm also fixated on getting myself one of these posters from the Museum of Communism.

Be Sure to Take Your Coat to the Afterlife

It's our last night in Budapest and it's making us a little wistful as we've really grown accustomed to the city and our life here. We have favorite walks, parks and restaurants where we've gotten to know the wait staff.

Today is also the eve of All Saints' Day, a national holiday here in Hungary where people pay tribute to their deceased loved ones by visiting the cemeteries and lighting candles or placing flowers on the graves. At the suggestion of our host, Rita, we decided to pay a visit to the famous Farkasreti Cemetery where many Hungarian poets, inventors, and celebrities are buried. Unfortunately, we decided to go after dark thinking the lights would be even more spectacular while not realizing that the cemetery would be close to pitch black except for the candles. I could see just enough to make out the spectacular tombstones such as a giant, stone melting candle. We decided it was well worth a trip back in daylight on our way out of town tomorrow.

Halloween is not formally celebrated here but like Zagreb, a solid ex-pat community has begun working it into the mainstream. On Saturday we met up with Rita and her young daughter to go to a community center celebration that featured pumpkin carving, musical entertainment and multiple art tables for sewing and gluing costumes. Vaughn has been a little bummed about missing Trick-or-Treating so we made it up to him in pumpkins which he finally burnt out on carving.

Last Thursday we decided to set out on foot for Margaret island which is accessible via one of the bridges. We had heard that you could rent bikes and that it was a nice place to go for a walk. The whole island is essentially one giant park and pretty soon we found ourselves comfortably seated on a bicycle built for three to tour the island. About ten minutes in we passed a roadside stand selling hot, mulled wine for just $2.

The island was awash in autumnal splendor with all the trees in various shades of red, orange and yellow. Jacob kept making us stop the bike to pose in front of trees for "Christmas card pictures" while acknowledging we would never get around to sending said cards.

On the way home while we waited outside of a store for Jacob, a man came up to gently chastise me for Vaughn wearing only a short sleeved shirt on such a cool autumn day. I'm surmising here based on the fact that when it was clear I had no idea what he was saying, he pointed at Vaughn and wrapped his arms around himself while scowling, shaking and saying "BRRRR". I'm sure I seemed like a great parent, standing there in my coat and scarf but thankfully I was able to reach over and tug on the jacket Vaughn had tucked under his arm which sent Chasty McChastiser backing up with a series of embarrassed "Ohhhh! 'Scuzie!" Yeah - too late pal. No matter how many time I explain it to him, Vaughn still doesn't get how him not wearing a jacket or donning sandals with no socks makes ME look bad and ups my chances for a visit from Child Protective Services. But this isn't the first time I've had to deal with a public admonishment so now, when Vaughn doesn't want to dress properly, instead of explaining the weather, I simply say, "Well Vaughn, I don't want you to have to go live with another family but perhaps you do" and he sighs dramatically and takes the coat.

Something Fishy This Way Comes

I think I'm going to be the only person to go backpacking around Europe and return having gained weight. This is probably because by "backpacking" I mean hauling my backpack out to the car every few days and the "around Europe" part seems to only mean that we lay around in various houses in Europe. In short, we've become super lazy. Yesterday Vaughn never even bothered to put on clothes and spent the entire day in his underwear. I told Jacob I thought that we were likely more active when we had sedentary, cubicle dwelling jobs.

So today we decided we were going to get out. The first stop was the Budapest Zoo and Botanical Gardens, which is one of the oldest zoos in Europe. With the exception of a pair of zebras who came over to a fence and interacted with us just like horses, the whole experience was semi-depressing as zoos often are. Jacob and Vaughn wanted to leave after just 20 minutes but I made them stick it out until we got to go see the cabybaras, Roger and Fruszina, and their three kids. I left with a sweet cabybara keychain that will find a home right next to the unicorn and my "Don't Mess With Texas" one.

After lunch it was off to fish pedicures. The treatments are done by submerging your feet in a small, individual tank with approximately 50 Garra rufa fish, a toothless carp that sloughs off your dead skin as part of its forging for food activities. We selected the 20 minute treatment but poor Jacob, who really didn't want to do it to begin with, had to pull his feet out after just 10 minutes. The hebbie-jebbie factor on this activity is high and every part of you wants to shake your feet to get the little buggers off. At times it tickles but at other times it feels like you've got little electric wires poking you and it's particularly disconcerting when they go to town on a really tender area like that hollow part behind your ankle bone. Mostly I was disappointed because they aren't particularly thorough and I left with feet still in dire need of a good pumicing.


**Note: I have noticed my page views go up dramatically when I have cutesy titles so you have only yourself to blame if you opened this post only to say, "Awww man, Budapest again?!"

Baby's hungry and the money's all gone....

Just kidding - we're not even in Mexico silly! But who doesn't love a little James Taylor?

At any rate we ARE in Budapest. We got here on Monday and while we were only planning on staying a week, our place here is so great that we extended our stay through the end of October. We're staying in a little two-bedroom apartment on the more quiet and residential Buda side of things and it's close to a couple parks and grocery stores.

Yesterday we hoofed it over the Danube River to the more cosmopolitan Pest (pronounced Pesht) side to eat falafel and check out some bookstores. We spent quite a bit of time hanging out in a park watching kids skateboard which reinvigorated Vaughn's desire to practice.

Today we splurged and Jacob and I got Thai massages. There are places to get Thai massage everywhere and the prices are a real bargain - just under $40 (including tip) for an hour and a half. I had never had a Thai massage before and the experience reminded me of those cartoons where someone gets caught on a conveyor belt and goes through a piece of machinery that pummels, stretches, and twists them until they come out on the other side in the shape of pretzel. About 20 minutes in I really started to regret having a cup of coffee beforehand. I laid there and debated whether or not to tell my masseuse that I needed to go to the bathroom before deciding I could just stick it out. About 45 minutes in she rolled me onto my back and dug her thumbs into my lower abdomen and held them there - for 10 whole seconds. I think a tear actually rolled down my cheek. Nonetheless the experience was incredible and on the way home I started to envision becoming a Thai massage junkie and never leaving Budapest and having to beg friends for money to come home.

Next up on Hungarian indulgences is to check out the famous thermal baths and then all three of us are going to get one of those pedicures where tiny fish eat the dead skin off your feet because, after three months in flip flops, really only fish should be touching my feet.